The “fight or flight” model has long dominated our understanding of stress. But what if this framework, largely based on male-centric research, only tells half the story? A study by Taylor et al. (2000) showed that women often exhibit a different, equally powerful response: “tend and befriend.” In times of stress, we are biologically and psychologically wired to protect our loved ones and strengthen our social alliances.

This isn’t a weakness. Instead, it’s a sophisticated survival strategy that has significant implications for how we lead, especially as first-gen professionals who have always had to build our own support systems.

Tend and Befriend in the Modern Workplace

This response isn’t confined to personal crises. We saw it demonstrated by female leaders and organizations during the global pandemic. While the business world often rewards aggressive, competitive tactics, the “tend and befriend” model fostered a different kind of leadership—one focused on resilience, collective well-being, and pragmatic support.

Organizations like the Women Presidents’ Organization became great examples. Their members went from fear to action, offering one another not just emotional support, but tangible resources like pro-bono work and strategic advice. This is the “tend and befriend” response operationalized: building a collective safety net that enables entire communities to endure and thrive.

Why This Matters for the First-Gen Leader

As first-gen professionals, we often lack inherited safety nets. The “tend and befriend” instinct is the engine behind the powerful, self-made networks we build. It’s the reason we intuitively create “inner circles” and support systems. This research validates that our approach isn’t merely a soft skill. It’s a critical, strategic asset that fosters loyalty, collaboration, and sustainable success in the face of adversity.

Furthermore, this understanding helps reframe our own stress responses. Feeling the urge to connect with colleagues or nurture your team during a high-pressure project isn’t a distraction; it’s a source of strength. It’s a leadership style that builds trust and creates environments where people—and businesses—can perform under pressure.

Leveraging Your Built-In Resilience

The challenge for first-gen women is often not our response to stress, but the systems that fail to recognize its value. By consciously leveraging our “tend and befriend” tendencies, we can:

• Build Cohesive, High-Functioning Teams: Create cultures of mutual support that reduce burnout and increase retention.
• Forge Powerful Strategic Alliances: Use our networking strength to build resilient, reciprocal professional communities.
• Lead with Authenticity: Embrace a leadership model that aligns with our innate strengths, rather than forcing a style that doesn’t fit.

Your inclination to connect, support, and build community in the face of challenges isn’t a deviation from leadership. For the modern, complex workplace, it is quite possibly its future.

Sources

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L. C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. (2000). Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight. Psychological Review, 107(3), 411–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.107.3.411